Black to Blond

Tonight I counted every star

At the bottom of my ceiling.

Said the numbers with every rapid breath I took,

So fast I started seeing constellations forming on my floor

While trying so hard not to think of you,

On top of her

Behind her

Pushing her onto the wall,

Hoping so hard it was at least a different wall.


I died my hair black yesterday.

I am afraid of finding her blondes

Between your mattress and pillow.

Afraid of running my fingers over your back

Feeling scars that I didn’t make.


Right about now you are getting to that house

Of so many different walls and beds,

All of which I am afraid to touch now.

Right about now I cannot sleep.

Right about now I am shivering beneath so many blankets

In the middle of May,

Paralyzed with fear.


Right about now you are sitting across from her,

Across from what I could never be,

Like - present.

I am half the world away,

Seven hours into the future

And deep inside a sleepless night.

I could pull every black hair from my head,

And still not get one detail of that story out of my mind,

And still not get you to say my name when she is next to you.