Some Nights

Some nights I hear footsteps in an empty hallway

Some nights I see shadows through the cracks of the doors

Some nights I mourn the dead that have not yet been buried

 

The dishes are washed and stored

The trash bags are empty

The wine and vodka are safely at the top shelf in the cupboard

The cat is strolling along the furniture

And the clock is racing through the night

 

I deleted all of the numbers

Locked my fingers into shackles and my mouth into a muzzle

Put up a calendar for a new year

There are dates written in red pen

His birthday, graduation, anniversary, that wedding

 

What if I forget

And do not spend the day nibbling on my own skin and cigarettes

And that bottle of Absinthe that is always a bad idea

What if I forget to mourn the dead

What if I do not pay tribute to all the years passed

Or to all the mistakes

 

Some nights I take down the Christmas tree in April and put it up in May

Some nights I believe in God and never admit it

Some nights I press my back against the pillow and forget who to imagine there

 

Most nights I fall asleep exhausted from the present, warm skin, and laughter

But some nights I delete all the songs on my phone because they all remind me of him

Some nights I rip the clothes to pieces because he once ripped them off me

Some nights I tear off my own skin because he once touched it

 

Some nights this house is so clean and quiet

And the cat is gone